Classmate's Edited Work

Vikas Varma
Mr. David Silver
EWC4U 12
February 2023

[Edited by Willow Latella]

  “‘I believe I would go to heaven... but I can feel that I am to be taken out alive and with both of my feet,’” Floyd Collins said to reporter Skeets Miller (Greene). Unfortunately, and contrary to Collins’ belief [Contrary to his feeling maybe? According to the quote, his belief was that he would go to heaven, which we can’t prove or disprove], he was later found as a corpse. By the time the would-be rescuers were able to safely reach him—17 days since he was [“Had been” flows better than “was”]trapped in the cave—his body was already cold, still, and without breath or heartbeat (Greene). After weeks of growing desperation and tireless labor, they had finally gotten to him, but he was gone.[Gotten and gone in the same sentence reads a bit awkwardly, try rewording]

  It was on January 30, 1925,[omit comma] that Collins became stuck in the cave he would eventually die in [you could change the phrase to “where he would eventually die” and omit the second ‘in’, ending a sentence with in along with using it twice in a sentence reads awkwardly](National Park Service). An experienced explorer who had been navigating caves since he was just a child, curious and fearless, [These adjectives make sense, but aren’t contextualized. Are you referring to Collins’ nature as a child or when he entered Sand Cave? Try restructuring the sentence a bit] he didn’t hesitate to drop into the dark depths of Sand Cave. Collins had been working on this cave for weeks, but the hours, the cold, the mud, and the bumps and scratches along his limbs were all worth it, he knew. Unlike Great Crystal Cave—located on his father’s property—Sand Cave was sitting on prime real estate, right by Cave City Road (National Park Service). During this time known as the “Cave Wars,” [Perhaps add an explanation of what the cave wars were rather than just stating they were what this time was known as?] location and accessibility made all the difference when it came to tourists and profit (National Park Service). Collins was confident that he had found a diamond in the rough. It was with high hopes and a single kerosene lamp that he entered Sand Cave that frigid morning, unaware that he would never be leaving it [Replace ‘be leaving it’ with leave for concision and better flow] alive (National Park Service).

  The tunnels were long, tight, and wet, but Collins squeezed his way through the muddy slush with great determination. Eventually, a large room was revealed, and he had just jumped in when he realized his lantern was about to extinguish [You could say “be extinguished” here, or use a different word for better flow. Extinguish is a good word, but generally requires a subject performing the act of extinguishing for proper syntax] (Reilly). Thanks to the rope he had tied around a boulder, he was able to start making his way back, but his lantern was accidentally knocked over—and Collins was plunged into complete darkness (Reilly). Again,[Again feels informal, omit or replace with something else] he was a man with plenty of experience; he had made his way through the dark before. He was not afraid, [Comma is unnecessary] and he did not let himself panic. He planted his foot against the cave wall—only, [Comma is unnecessary] he had kicked at a 27-pound rock that instantly fell on his ankle and held him painfully immobile (National Park Service). The awkward positioning of his body and the very limited space meant he was unable to dislodge the stone, let alone exit the cave.

  Desperate, Collins clawed at the surrounding walls, shredding his fingernails in the process (Reilly). The physical labor made him sweat, but the damp cold had him trembling, and he screamed repeatedly into the lonely abyss (Reilly). His efforts were fruitless. Since Collins spent so much of his time down in caves, it was not strange for him to leave home for hours or even days at a time (National Park Service). It took an entire day for his neighbours to declare him missing, but having noticed his coat hanging outside Sand Cave, it was no mystery where he would be found (National Park Service). Finding him, however, was the easy part. Freeing him was [Thanks to the narrative style of this article, consider using future tense here (Freeing him would be…) to lend the article greater suspense] another story entirely.

  According to cave explorer and expert, Roger Brucker, “Most Kentucky caves are dissolved out of solid limestone and are perfectly safe,” but Sand Cave, on the other hand, was “a pile of sandstone and limestone breakdown blocks with mud fill holding the matrix together” (Reilly)[I like how you break up the narrative tension of Collins’ experience in the cave with expert knowledge about caves here, maybe add in more interludes like this explaining historical and scientific factors at play in this story throughout the article]. In other words, it was a collapse waiting to happen. The men on-site recognized the danger, and they ultimately agreed that doing anything that might shift the rocks and lead to a collapse was simply too risky to try. Thus, they began to clear rocks from the cave, hoping it would safely aid their rescue attempts. Unfortunately, the cave was beginning to crumble. It was just as John Gerald [This is the first and only time John Gerald is mentioned, explain his role before citing his fear by restructuring this sentence to introduce his fear first and/or introducing him beforehand] had feared: with the movement and body heat of so many people, he’d been worried a collapse was imminent—and collapse it did.

  It was now February 6—one week since Collins had become trapped. The number of people gathered had increased exponentially: visitors, reporters, volunteers, and 400 automobiles crammed into [Is “into” the best word choice here? Maybe “onto” would be more fitting] the roads to Sand Cave. The number of people then increased to a whopping 10,000 and 4,500 automobiles by Feb. 8, which was [“which was” is unnecessary] named Carnival Sunday for its carnival-like [While fitting, carnival sunday being named for its “carnival-like atmosphere” feels a bit repetitive. Maybe “festive atmosphere” would work better?] atmosphere. Collins was being drained of life by the hour, but everyone outside the cave was dying for a story—and with food, entertainment, and alcohol thrown into the mix, people started talking. That talking [“Talk” rather than “talking” would flow better and be less repetitive] turned into [A more evocative term than “turned into” might better convey the point you’re trying to make, maybe “transformed into”, “devolved into”, “morphed into”, etc] wild rumors: Collins was not trapped and it was just a hoax to lure tourists; Collins was murdered by someone; Collins was being purposely starved to death; and [Or rather than and] Collins was moving freely in and out of the cave. The rumors were baseless and ridiculous, but they were enough to fuel the media circus. [An additional segment providing commentary on these rumours, the nature of the media circus you’ve described, or its effect on Collins’ family or legacy might be helpful. It would be interesting to explore]

  By Feb. 14, Collins had been trapped for 15 days, and he[he is unnecessary here] had not eaten anything for almost two weeks. It was on Feb. 16, at 1:30 p.m. that the rescuers managed to break through— but it was too late. Collins had already been dead for more than 24 hours, killed by starvation, exposure, and everything [Everything else? Starvation and exposure are included in things his body had been forced to endure] his body had been forced to endure for the past couple of weeks. They were unable to remove Collins immediately, as the shaft was looking to [“looking to” is informal, reword] collapse,[Unnecessary comma] and his leg was still trapped by the rock. It was too dangerous to try and [“Try to” is more formal than “try and”, you could restructure the sentence to avoid repeating “to”] move him.

  It is worth noting that based on the NIOSH statistics, an average of 60 workers die in cave-ins each year. Furthermore, between 1980 to 1989, 607 people died from cave ins (Blosser). While the accidents weren’t typically as painful and long [Long and painful is proper adjective order and flows better] as Collin’s [Collins’] death, it goes to show that caving incidents like these weren’t uncommon. However, the number of caving deaths have greatly decreased. In the last 20 years, 67 trained divers have died in wild caves compared to 607 from 1980-1989. Most cave deaths happened from 1950-2010, yet in 2020 there was one death. The improvement of general knowledge, caving requirements, and equipment has decreased the risk greatly (Enter the Caves).[Great addendum to the story! You could connect it more with Collins’ tale by discussing how these modern safety improvements might’ve been able to save him]

  Floyd Collins went into that cave looking for a tourist attraction, unsuspecting [Replace “unsuspecting” with “not suspecting”] that he himself would become one. Despite the best efforts of all the people who loved him in his life, any glimmer of hope in his situation was destroyed at every possible turn of events. His story remains a cautionary tale to all cavers, and a horror story to everybody.

[Remember to double space and add pictures throughout, and consider whether contractions are appropriate given the formal nature off the piece. Ensure works cited is entirely MLA formatted with a hanging indent and proper spacing, there seem to be some random line breaks where there shouldn't be and a lack of line breaks where they should be. (Note: I tried my best to replicate the formatting when transferring the document to neocities but there will inevitably be some slight inconsistencies)]

  Blosser, Fred. “NIOSH Warns of Danger of Trench Cave-in.”CDC Centre for Disease Control and Prevention,20 May 1993,
  https://www.cdc.gov/niosh/updates/93-110.html Accessed 26 January 2023

Accessed 26 January 2023.
  Greene, Bob. “Bringing Tragedy to Life in 1925.”Chicago Tribune, 14 Dec. 1987, https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1987-12-14-8704020930-story.html.
Accessed 26 January 2023. “It Was My First Trip Into a Cave...”American Heritage, Oct. 1976, https://www.americanheritage.com/it-was-my-first-trip-cave#1. Accessed 26 January 2023.

  Reilly, Lucas. “The 1925 Cave Rescue That Captivated the Nation.”Mental Floss, 13 July 2018,
https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/544782/1925-cave-rescue-that-captivated-the-

united-states-floyd-collins.Accessed 26 January 2023.
“Tragedy at Sand Cave.”National Park Service, https://www.nps.gov/articles/000/tragedy-at- sand-cave.htm. Accessed 26 January 2023.
  “Caving Deaths: The Truth About How Many Cavers Die Each Year.”Enter the Caves,

https://enterthecaves.com/caving-deaths-how-many-cavers-die-each-. Accessed 26 January 2023